23 Oct 24 Hours, Changed Forever
“You’re 5cm.” The words ring as clear in my mind today as they did 9 years ago. 9 years ago when I laid in the triage bed awaiting the news of what was happening. At 23 weeks pregnant with twins, THAT is not good news. Everyone has dreams about how their first pregnancy experience is going to go. Dreams about leaving the hospital with a healthy baby or, in this case, babies. For reasons unknown to us, our dreams don’t always come true and sometimes all we leave the hospital with is a couple boxes of ‘keepsakes.’ Little hats, footprints, hospital bracelets, little things that are somehow supposed to make things.…better?
My sweet little twin boys were born into this world, October 15th, 2006 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day,) at just over one pound each, perfect in every way. They spent under 24 hours fighting a fight that no baby should have to fight, because their mommies can usually protect them for a few months more, until they’re ready for this wild life. The guilt that comes with the grief is sometimes paralyzing. Your new reality starts to form and gets more and more bearable. I have to walk through the grief as it comes, still, after 9 years. The raw emotions are surprising sometimes but then I think….they are my babies! If we didn’t grieve for them in such a strong way it wouldn’t be right.
So, to the mommy who’s lost a sweet precious one I say this; It’s NOT your fault, let go of the guilt, stop asking why, keep thinking about that miracle baby and if you’re lead, keep sharing your story (it’s healing,) let the waves of emotions run their course, and DON’T EVER forget that you are a mommy to that sweet one, no matter how short of a time they were with you. They change us, for the better, forever.
Mommy of Angels,